Breaking Free: Understanding the Cycle of Abuse and Why Couples Counselling May Not Be the Answer

Abuse in relationships is a deeply complex and painful reality for many people. It’s not always visible to the outside world, and those caught in its grip often find themselves trapped in a repeating pattern known as the cycle of abuse. As a counsellor, I’ve seen how this cycle can erode self-worth, distort reality, and make escape feel impossible. While seeking help is a brave and vital step, it’s important to recognize that couples counselling—often touted as a solution for relationship woes—can sometimes do more harm than good in cases of abuse. Let’s explore why.

What Is the Cycle of Abuse?

The cycle of abuse is a framework that helps explain the repetitive nature of abusive relationships. It typically unfolds in four phases:

Tension Building: This is the slow simmer before the storm. Stress mounts, communication breaks down, and the abuser may become increasingly irritable or controlling. The victim might feel like they’re walking on eggshells, trying to avoid triggering an outburst.
Incident: The tension erupts into an abusive event—whether physical, emotional, verbal, or psychological. This is where the harm is done, leaving the victim hurt, scared, or confused.

Reconciliation: After the incident, the abuser often shifts to remorse or charm. They might apologize, promise change, or shower their partner with affection. This “honeymoon” phase can feel like hope—like maybe things will get better.

Calm: A period of relative peace follows, where the relationship feels stable again. But without real change, this calm is temporary, and the cycle loops back to tension.

This pattern can repeat for months, years, or even decades, wearing down the victim’s sense of self and making it harder to leave. The reconciliation phase, in particular, often hooks people into staying, as it feeds the belief that the abuser can change.

Why Couples Counselling Falls Short

Couples counselling is designed to improve communication, rebuild trust, and resolve conflict between partners who are both willing to work on the relationship. It assumes a level playing field—a mutual desire to repair what’s broken. But in abusive dynamics, that foundation doesn’t exist. Here’s why it can be contraindicated:

Power Imbalance: Abuse is rooted in control, not miscommunication. The abuser holds power over their partner, and couples counselling can’t erase that dynamic. In sessions, the abuser may manipulate the narrative, charm the counsellor, or subtly intimidate their partner into silence, leaving the victim voiceless.

Blame-Shifting: Counselling often explores “both sides” of a relationship’s issues, which can inadvertently place responsibility on the victim. Statements like “What could you do differently?” might feel validating in a healthy dynamic, but in an abusive one, they reinforce the victim’s belief that they’re at fault for the abuse—a belief the abuser has likely already instilled.

Escalation of Abuse: Speaking openly in therapy can backfire. If the victim shares the truth about the abuse, the abuser might retaliate later—whether through punishment, gaslighting, or increased violence. The therapy room becomes a risk, not a refuge.

False Hope: The reconciliation phase already dangles the promise of change. Couples counselling can amplify this, giving the abuser a new stage to perform remorse without addressing the root of their behaviour. The victim may stay longer, hoping for a breakthrough that never comes.
What’s the Alternative?

If you’re in an abusive relationship, the priority isn’t fixing the partnership—it’s protecting yourself. Here are steps a counsellor might recommend instead:

Individual Counselling: Working one-on-one with a counsellor who understands abuse can help you process your experiences, rebuild your confidence, and plan a safe way forward. This is about your healing, not the relationship’s.
Safety Planning: Whether you’re staying or leaving, a counsellor can help you create a practical plan to stay safe. This might include identifying support networks, securing finances, or knowing where to turn in a crisis.

Support Systems: Connecting with friends, family, or local resources (like shelters or hotlines) can break the isolation that abuse thrives on. In Canada, organizations like the Canadian Women’s Foundation or local crisis lines can offer tailored support.

Recognizing the Goal: The aim isn’t to “save” the relationship—it’s to reclaim your autonomy. Abuse isn’t a couples problem; it’s an abuser’s problem. Real change only happens if they seek help independently, and even then, it’s a long road that doesn’t guarantee your safety.
Breaking the Cycle

The cycle of abuse is relentless, but it’s not unbreakable. Leaving—or even just seeing the pattern for what it is—takes immense courage. Couples counselling might seem like a logical step when you’re desperate to make things work, but in abusive dynamics, it often perpetuates the harm rather than healing it. Instead, focus on your own strength, your own voice, and your own path forward. A counsellor trained in trauma and abuse can walk with you, not to fix what’s broken between you and your partner, but to help you mend what’s been broken within you.

You deserve safety, peace, and a life free from fear. The first step is recognizing that the cycle isn’t your fault—and that breaking free is possible, one choice at a time.